Monday, July 31, 2006

Hezbollah Hillbilies in action...

(Warning: The following excerpts were stolen from NSA high security computers underneath Fort Meade, Virginia. It depicts a conversation in Southern Lebanon between 2 Hezbollah freedom fighters on the eve of that terrible "massacre" of innocent woman and children at Qana. This conversation has been abbreviated to compensate for the differences in dialect and content. Persons on Prozac consumption, of queasy tummy's and hemorrhaging liberal views will find the content barbaric, myopic and in terrible taste,...... enjoy it!, as I know you still won't contain yourself from reading.)

(The hills of southern Lebanon, north or Qana, 2130 hours GMT)

Mustafa: "Kahlid!, praise be to Allah!, I have found a great place to launch holy rockets into the pit of the Jewish land's underbelly..."
Khalid: "May his elegant blessing be passed to all our martyrs (kneeling and bowing, facing Cleveland, Mecca)... where is this holy site you have found, Mustafa..?"
Mustafa: "It is Qana, a perfect town for our undertaking Kahlid!, Allah will surely guide our hands like holy archers in the night,... we will see the lights of Haifa burn like the flames of Hades!... "
Khalid: "But where?... Qana is but a small village, no holy warriors live there! Surely there must be a place of much safer passage, no? and what about the U.N. For...."
Mustafa: " What U.N. Forces?... (laughs echoing in the night), they are but a token force with no authority to stop the movements of Hezbollah!, they can't even do their own mandate of dis-arming us much less prevent us from positioning ourselves there; those blue turtle-headed muppets! 2,000-strong they are and all but a paper tiger with no teeth,... You must have faith in my reasoning my un-circumcised Brother, Allah works in mysterious ways.."
Khalid: "Then praise be to him, my twice-circumcised friend,.. for he has surely given you visions greater than I am able to see..."
Mustafa: "We have already pre-positioned camera crews from CNN, Al-Jazeera and our own Musli-vision to cover the massacre to come. A reality show contract with MSNBC is sure to follow,... it will be a...."
Khalid: "Massacre?... of what massacre do you speak of Mustafa?..."
Mustafa: (with puzzled look at Khalid)"...why, the glorious massacre leveled to the woman and children of our safe house once the hateful Jews drop those 5000-pound bombs down our sorry Syrian asses!, what other massacre could it possibly be you nappy-headed Damascan?..."
Khalid: (gulping...) "but why are we to perish?...why can't we live to tell the tale to our sons, to our daughters? to our Clitoris-less wives?... What is the logic of launching holy Katushkies from a home full of children and our venerable Muslim woman?..."
Mustafa: "... Its KATUSHKA you un-educated half-breed, .. and you call yourself Hezbollah!, don't you see? first we launch, then Israel's demonic telemetry software picks up the trajectory of the incoming rockets, and instantly vectors those Satanic American-made F-16's to our site virtually assuring may-sweeps like ratings to Al-Jazeera and CNN once the bodies of the babies are recovered,... Cristian Amanpour must be in a nippled frenzy with expectations!..."
Kahlid: "Mustafa!... the heavens smile upon your wisdom.... you are truly a descendant of Mohammed's sperm sack,... , but how do you know that this plan will work?,.. will the American Media comply to our plans?..."
Mustafa: " sack-less brother, the American media has been our ally since September 12, 2001. By Allah, this is how it will happen, and so it shall be written in songs,... First we kidnapped 2 Israeli soldiers stupid enough to wander too close to the border, then we held them much the same at those held by those Syrian-wanna-be Palestinians in Gaza,... and once the Israelis sent Commandos to rescue them, we launched hundreds of rockets at their northern towns,.... Israel has leveled attacked on our people in proportions never witnessed by American Anchormen. All this, and the media still thinks its THEIR fault Khalid! (laughing even louder) The prophets must surely be on our side,..... the media has been on Allah's side since then,... and once the massacre of Qana comes in living color into the MTV-filthy living rooms of the infidels, we will have won the battle that counts,... the media opinion. THAT, my camel breath-smelling brother, is how wars are won, tanks, no airplanes,... but the blessings of an Izuzu trooper filled with gullible journalists looking for a Pulitzer prize...."
Khalid: "Pulitzer what?..... hmmmm..., but surely the American media will wake up from their drunken stupor and realize we have been pupeteering their focus, no?.... how can we be assured of their cooperation?
Mustafa: "My brother,... Thousands upon ten of thousands Christian Africans have been massacred by our Muslim brothers in the Sudan. THAT is a real massacre,.. yet not a word about it is heard in the American media. The Jews days are numbered in the world my friend,... the media will do what the Saudis, the Egyptians and the rest of the Arab league could not do in the battlefield in 1967 and 1973,... they will bring the star of David to its knees,... there to be beheaded by the collective swath of the Arab people,.. we will prevail Khalid!, we care more about hating the Jews than we care about loving the lives of our own brothers, woman and children,... such is our entefada, such is our jihad..."
Khalid: ".... Mustafa.... I am ready!,... I am ready to die, to become a martyr (jumping for joy amongst the ivy bushes)..., tell me, oh enlightened one,... will our 72 virgins be at the waiting?... will they be lovely and robust will large alabaster bosoms and stout buttocks? will they look anything like the heathen Aryan German woman we saw during the world cup?...(panting)...."
Mustafa: "Better than that Khalid,... they will be feeding you grapes in heaven,... as you touch their un-shaven legs!..."
Kahlid: "Allah be praised!......"
(static... Unintelligible Hebrew in the background,... Silence)


betmo said...

tp- don't be insulted but i didn't read it. it looks like a long post and since it is so hot- i couldn't be bothered :) that must be the 'liberal' in me sweating out. :) just wanted to take the opportunity to say- i like the new look- it isn't as foreboding as before- and i like the link thing at the end. it has been quiet around the ole' blog without your chiming and it is good to have you back. i probably will read this post at some point- just not today :)

Truth-Pain said...

Betmo~ Take your time,... these postings (unlike my daily work) do not self-destruct in 5 seconds :)

Brooke said...

My favorite part was the end, where those JOooos get 'em! :D

Truth-Pain said...

Brooke: I have an alternate ending to the post when the DVD comes out next month,... in the meantime the theater of the mind will have to suffice :)

Obob said...

my twice-circumcised friend might be the funniest god damn line I have seen in time. Your wit and prose are lethal and your insight without obstacle.

Truth-Pain said...

Ha!... that gave me a good chuckle just typing it, obob. 5th estate (read his very well-written mega retort on my previous post) did not think it was particularly worthy a posting,... but what can you do?... it is, what it is...

Truth-Pain said...

Oh yeah, Obob... your are very kind in your comments. I really don't know what I am doing half the time but it is worth it when persons such as you come by and have a good read,... thanks!

5th Estate said...

Hey Truth....

Actually I didn't say it wasn't worth posting, just that I didn't find it very funny-intially, but I admit I rushed through it.

Having read it carefully this time, I think you've captured the style of speech very well and in amusing fashion (I like the rythm of praise and insults between the two).

Did you mean to misspell "Katyusha" twice?

The last two para's finish up in excellent and very pointed style. Good job!

Wow! Shortest comment from me ever! Will wonders never cease?

5th Estate said...

Oops---I misquoted you misquoting me! correction to above: what I should have said was that "I didn't say it wasn't WORTHY".

Truth-Pain said...

5th Estate~~
Thanks for the revision and I do appreciate you taking the time to do a Bataan death march through my posting once again. I admit my style is a funky amalgamation of things, and it loses something from the way I think it to the way it lays on "paper" :)

As to the mis-spellings? yeah... it was my ode to American Hillbilies who love to correct one mis-pronounciation with yet another mis-pronounciation, but again, I think that sort of got lost in traslation as well (even though to me THAT was the funniest blurb of the whole thing).

You know,... I was thinking that we are proof that when you familiarize yourself with the nuances of the author's personality it is much easier to grasp the subtleties of writing,... the satirical moments etc.

If you are in agreement, I'd like to use segments of our banter in a future posting to illustrate this point,... cool with you?

D.Daddio Al-Ozarka said...


I've got an idea as to why they love to bomb markets and discos!

you see, the percentages of virgins in heaven must surely favor the "old-maid" demographic.

They're just trying to increase their odds by bombing public places and putting children in harm's way!

Always On Watch said...

Nicely done! You covered the material well and brought a smile to my face at the ending.

And the following excerpt is so true:

Khalid: "Pulitzer what?..... hmmmm..., but surely the American media will wake up from their drunken stupor and realize we have been pupeteering their focus, no?.... how can we be assured of their cooperation?
Mustafa: "My brother,... Thousands upon ten of thousands Christian Africans have been massacred by our Muslim brothers in the Sudan. THAT is a real massacre,.. yet not a word about it is heard in the American media.

The American media are doing the propagandizing for allah and his psychos. I posted something about an expose of this propagandizing--a video from 60 Minutes, of all sources. The video is from a few years ago.

Truth-Pain said...

Al- Ozarka: I heay ya', I saw a funny cartoon the other day (funny to me at least) that mimics your comments very well...

AOW: It amazes me that the media is quick to point to horrors done by accident (or not) on behalf of us or the Israelis, yet gloss over horrific doings of the other side with cursory and bland coverage.

5th Estate said...

re: by all means use any comment I put on your blog any time--nice of you to ask but even if you wanted to use a comment against me as it were, that would be fine too--the comments section surely qualifies as public domain.

Renegade Eye said...

Much better template.

My eyes hurt, from darkening smoke with photoshop all day.

MarxistFromLebanon said...

TRUTH-PAIN EMPORIUM: Hezbollah Hillbilies in action...

TRUTH-PAIN EMPORIUM: Hezbollah Hillbilies in action... funny I do not remember Hezbollah being stupid to be caught... if that is the case I wonder why they inflicted so much damage on the IDF. This is just a spam, only top officers carry such telecommunications. All military go without transmission into the field, as we heard over here