Sunday, August 27, 2006

I love you Samantha ...


~"Well I just heard, the news today, that my life is going to change. I close my eyes, and say a prayer, and tears of joy run down my face.... With eyes wide open, under the sunlight,... Welcome to this place, I'll show you everything,... With eyes wide open"~

The band Creed could have not written more prophetic words in honor of the birth of singer Scott Stapp's newborn son. I felt the same way when my only child was born. Those aqualine eyes, .... I was mezmerized the moment my Samantha was placed in my arms. I have not been the same Man since. Saying a person saved one's life is very cliche,... in my case, it's truthful to use as a metaphor.

Last week this little Angel, borowed from heaven, moved clear across country to begin a new life in a little town in north-eastern Pennsylvania. She is about to embark on a new life with her mom and her new husband. Small town, middle Americana, safe, close to nature, ... she is even taking a bus to kindergarten starting next week. I always swore she would have it better than me, after all, is that not what we yearn for our children? Is that not what we do?, sacrifice our own self-interest for the greater good of our kids?......

The void here is palpable. The house quiet, ... so much so that I try to invent things to do to stay away. It has been 5 years since I have had so much quiet in my life. There is no more pitter patter of her little feet running to the kitchen,... no more of the scent of her sweet morning breath as I wake her up, ... no touching her little fingers as they instinctively curl around mine. I have pictures, memories, many movie clips,... and her room, her toys, .. it is the same way as she left them. God, I miss the voice. That unmistakable voice, whose resonance and timbre I've commited to memory, is the one thing I miss the most. I have not changed a thing in her bedroom. Do I pack some of her things and just leave enough to quell my feelings of her absence? Do I make it into a museum to drown my missing moments? I don't know. All I know is that there is nothing important right now. Not politics, not issues of the world, no agenda , nothing. All there is left is a Father missing the only thing he ever got right from the start,... all there is, is the love for my kiddo ....

To the kind people of Pennsylvania, this is my message in a bottle. If you happen to see this little bird amongst you, remind her of me, tell her I will always be there, for I live in her heart and distance cannot remove me from her. If you see her fall, pick her up and care for her scrapes. If you see her cry, take a moment and dry her tears. If she blinds you with her smile, give her a smile back and show her that she is not alone. And if she ever, ever loses her way,... if you find her wandering, lost, alone and in the dark, please take her hand, and help her find her way back to her Daddy, ... to me,... she is all I have. There is nothing more.

My guardian Angels no longer walk with me, they walk with you Sammy...

21 comments:

Renegade Eye said...

Great post. I feel weepy.

Truth-Pain said...

Renegade,
Thank you for the words, these as sad days in the house of Truth-Pain, but the company of my fellow bloggers may just be the cure for my solace.

Obob said...

got your back

Truth-Pain said...

Thank you obob

sappho said...

What a beautiful post.
I understand the love you have for your daughter, my father & I are very close despite our political differences, & my sexuality, etc.
She will grow up knowing her father loves the hell outta her! The greatest gift of all.
May you take peace in that when you find yourself consumed with sadness of her departure.
I wish you & your daughter well.

Truth-Pain said...

Sappho, .... thank you. I take great great relief of heart that your words are heartfelt and full of wisdom. Love you,... thanks for the lift :)

Robert said...

Thank you for this post. The person who told me that I would know what love really was when I had children was right. I love my wife, but my daughter is the reason that I get up in the morning.

My daughter has experienced some developmental delays. Her speech and fine motor skills have not matured like her classmates, and we held her over in Kindergarden last year. Despite years of speech therapy, constant evaluations, pediatricians and neurologists, no one can find a cause. This year, she started 1st grade, and is already somewhat behind her friends. Every day when I leave home I miss her before I get out of the driveway. I don't know if it my desire to protect her, or if we are just connected father/daughter, but she could never be replaced and I would have little reason to exist without her.

I said thank you for your post. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with her because I have to repeat things, or because she doesn't understand what I am trying to do or say. Sometimes little things like this post remind me of what I have, how special she is, and make me ashamed when I huff or raise my voice when I shouldn't.

A quiet house is scary. Our children spent a week at grandparents this summer, and I was bored and lonely without the noise, despite what I thought it would be like the day they left!

God bless you and her both....I also believe that no one can replace your love, and she thinks of you every day.

Truth-Pain said...

Rober:
Its comments and feedback like yours that makes this never an exercise in futility.
Thank you very much for your thoughts. I can only imagine the chalenges in trying to care and provide the spencial needs for your daughter. These are the reasons why maybe patience is such the virtue. Don't ever feel like the venting of frustrations is a reflection of your love. I've had a few of those moments, it is natural, it is healthy and it is cathartic way to deal with that which we do not fully understand.
My best to you and yours, and once again my appreciation for making me calibrate. Cheers!

Brooke said...

I'm not sure what to say... There aren't words for such a void. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

I just can't understand what would motivate your ex to move so far away from her child's father...

Truth-Pain said...

Hey Brooke,this was a joint and carefully made choice by both. I have family in Ohio and Jersey so in a way we are bringing her closer to the heart of my family. I will be travelling there many times,...
Thank you for your prayers,...

D.Daddio Al-Ozarka said...

T-P,

Because of the apparent civility in your relationship with your child's mom, you can count on having a wonderful relationship with your daughter.

You should be looking forward to those precious tomes you'll spend time together in the future.

You're in my thoughts--I don't know how I would be able to fill the void of just ONE of my kids being absent from me.

Hang...in....there!

Cheers!

Truth-Pain said...

Thanks, Al-Ozarka:
Good to know Bloggersville has my back. Very happy to see you in my neighborhood.

Brooke said...

Sorry, TP; I didn't mean to sound rude!

I'm glad that you'll be seeing a lot of your daughter, and she will be seeing your family, too!

Truth-Pain said...

Brooke:
Be at ease, your comments were never taken as rude:)
I think I know you better than that,... I would have problably asked the same not having all the information.
Thanks for the concern, bless you.

benning said...

When you do what is best for your child, you are doing what is best for you as well. A brave thing, regardless of the reasons, T-P. She'll be back to visit you, too, won't she? So her room will be waiting for her. And she will be missing you, too!

I envy you, my friend, I really do. God bless ya!

betmo said...

tp- everyone else has said what i was going to say- much better than i. missing someone whom you love is hard- but at least you know you are doing the right thing. long distance relationships stink but you all have a bond that cannot be broken- she loves you and you love her. we are all here for you in whatever capacity we can be.

msliberty said...

She is beautiful, just beautiful.

I wish blogging would have existed when my mom moved us thousands of miles away from my dad, and that my dad would have chosen this medium as a way to share his thoughts and feelings with the world.

Someday, when she is older, these posts will be some of her most cherished possessions. After all, we all can feel the genuine depth of feeling you have for your daughter, and we are strangers. Imagine how much more these words will one day mean to her.

Truth-Pain said...

Benning:
The first sentence of your comments is the one things I pray is true ,... Thank you for your kind thoughts and for the supprort. It is amazing the support I feel from you all and yet, we've never met. Bless you.

Betmo:
What can I say that I have not said to you before, either here or in your blog. You have been a patron saint. Since the start I cherish your wisdomm, your anger, your caring and most of all your personal emails. I love you GF :)

Msliberty:
The image of your dad, hands interlaced in the fence as your airplane flew away has left a major impression on me. I cannot thank you enough for sharing that moment with me, a complete stranger. I have to be honest, I thought of your experience as I posted this one and wanted to thank you over and over for the inspiration. God bless you :)

Ellie said...

I can't imagine what it must be like to have a daughter move away from you. I don't have children yet or a husband or boyfriend or anyone. i can't even imagine the feelings involved in having a child. it was always hell at home for me. and i don't know if i want a family because of that. it's posts like this that make me think about how wonderful a family really is. and how i should have one.

i got your back, anything you need, anything, even just someone to talk to zip over an e-mail. it never ceases to amaze me how total strangers can feel so much like friends through blogs. when i started mine I thought it would be strictly politics, but i think i have found some true friends that i never would have found any other way. i count you among them, and i'm here if you need anything.

Truth-Pain said...

Ellie:
For a man that is freely writing, I find mylself almost speechless, and truth be told, overcome emotionally by your comments. Your comments are very, very appreciated and loved. I myself have wondered how it is that I can vent and depend on people right here in this blog, more than my own friends down the street. It is a phenomena that at this moment is like a warm blanket to my loneliness.
I will take you on your offer, If you were here I would hug you,... thank you ellie...

defiant_infidel said...

Your post reaches deep inside. I am not a parent, but I watch carefully those who are (and those who profess to be). It is a daunting responsibility and your new circumstances and the raw pain that comes with them can only incomprehensibly complicate it.

My parents divorced when I was not quite 12. My brother is two years younger. Despite tremendous differences that could not be rectified, my parents loved eachother and did to my father's last day (almost 16 years ago). They, as obviously you and your wife, also loved their children, first and foremost.

With that unique quality between two loving parents, whether together or physically separated, your daughter will grow and learn all the essentials of quality, fulfilling life. Your dual love for her and that attention to all the details of child development will empower her to face all that's coming. It is the greatest gift you can give her, and she will come to know that.

That, Sir, is what makes the critical difference.

Good strength, good luck and God bless you.