Friday, October 05, 2007

It's Gonna' Be A Fun Four Years...., maybe


(AP – Washington D.C. Police reported a man calling himself Truth-Pain broke into the National Archives building yesterday and got away with the transcripts of President Hillary Clinton’s minutes during the first few days after the election. The following is a portion of the contents.)

(Principals: Hillary Rodham Clinton (POTUS), James Carville (Senior Adviser), George Stephanopoulos (Chief of Staff) and Bill Clinton (ex POTUS)

Clinton: James, do we have the list for the inaugural Ball finalized?
James: Yes, Ma’am, although some of the people that you initially excluded are coming anyway…
Clinton: What? … who?
James: Well, namely my wife Mary Matalin,….. (Looking sheepish)
Clinton: Goddammit James! I told you I don’t want her there! I’m still hot over the bombs she lobbed at Bill while she was Cheney’s Aide,… can’t you bring another date?
James: Madame President…… will all due respect, she is my wife! If I don’t bring her to this thing she will hang me by the balls,… er pardon my Cajun-ism, Ma’am…
Clinton: Well, I have ovaries so I can’t sympathize with your predicament, but can you at least consider, oh, ..I don’t know,.. Gloria Steinman? Whoopi?... any of the boys from that Gay show on Bravo?.... and don’t even think about inviting Oprah. Obama can bring her ass as his date if he wants…
James: Yes Ma’am, I’ll see what I can do. Moving on, we really have to finish our Cabinet Level candidates, and you know who has had my number on speed-dial for a week now…
Clinton: Oh God,… is Biden still barking about wanting State?...
George: Well, he has been in the Foreign Affairs Committee for decades. There is no denying he is well qualified…
Clinton: Isn’t there anybody else whose mouth doesn’t motor as much?... I can just see him go full tilt for 30 minutes on the meetings, … between him and Bill they’ll be no oxygen left for anybody to say anything…
James: Well, … he is from Delaware….
Clinton: …Meaning?...
George: (eyes lighting up) that’s right! Dover!! He’s Irish! let’s make him Ambassador to Ireland! His wife goes there twice a year,… and they have the best hair restoration surgeons in Europe! I think the State Dept. health plan covers it…
Clinton: It does? How the hell....
James: They passed that health-plan nugget at midnight back in '93..., don't think anybody's caught wind of it yet,....
Clinton: oh Jeez..... ok, Done,… what’s next?
James: I did not understand your memo on the White House Chef…. You and Mr. Clinton don’t like the food?
Clinton: It’s not the food. Her boobs are too big and causing a distraction to Bill, … I want her out of here….
George: Madame President…. (Shifting from one butt cheek to another) I don’t know if we can do that,.. If the press gets a hold of that?... we have another White House travel-gate mess in our laps…. Don’t you think we should move on to the National Security briefing?
Clinton: Jesus George! Those undulating breasts are going to make Bill go back to heart surgery..., not to mention neck whip-lash, hence distracting me from reading the damn report!... don’t you think getting that ridiculously large rack out of Bill’s radar is a national security priority?....
James: … you have a point,… George, don’t we have a NORAD station in Alaska somewhere that we can transfer her to?....
George: (shifting to the first butt cheek), I'll get right on it…
Clinton: What about the Parade? … Have we done the re-routing yet?...
James: Of the motorcade?... why would we wanna’ do that? Its tradition.., the route has been like that since….
Clinton: (not looking up from her Treo-PDA)… I don’t want the motorcade passing by the Kentucky Fried Chicken on 6th avenue…
George: because?
Clinton: (blue steel eyes lasering across his dome) because their Goddamn marquee says “Hillary Special: Two large thighs, small breasts and a left wing for $7.99”……
James: Shit! We’ll get right on it…

(Door knocks- NSA agent walks in and whispers to Carville)

James: Great, thank you officer (officer leaves)
George: What did he want?
James: It’s the “Cackle-meter" update, it will be installed this afternoon.
George: (Looking confused)… the what?...
Clinton: The Cackle-meter George, weren’t you in the meeting? Remember when I did all the Sunday talk shows and cackle-laughed my way through the questions for a few hours,… well, Bill thought it would be a good idea to have the NSA build me a Cackle-meter with an LED readout right here on my desk, that way, I can gauge if my laughter is causing pain to dignitaries, or if it goes beyond the 4.2 second threshold…
George: why 4.2 seconds?..
James: We focus-group tested it… we have it dialed in so that the President knows when the laugh becomes annoying or disingenuous.
Clinton: Anything else on the agenda this morning?
George: (looking uncomfortably at James…) Well, speaking of the ex President, Mr. Clinton does not think wearing the house arrest bracelet around his ankle is very presidential….
Clinton: Well, somebody forgot to send Bill the memo that I am the President, not him….besides, I want to know where his Razorback Ass is at all times…

(Door knocks – Bill Clinton walks in)

Bill: Hill! You promised me an office in the first level of the West Wing?... how can I fit my staff in sub-level 4, cubicle 106-b?....
Hillary: It’s the best we could do Honey, besides,… it’s right next to the Kitchen,…. (Winking at Carville)
Bill: (eyes lighting up)…. Really?..... Hoooo Weeeee!

(The rest of the minutes are deleted pursuant to National Security interests and

Freedom of Information Act parameters)

24 comments:

Brooke said...

It's gonna be great...

Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton... Maybe Jenna can run, and then Chelsea.

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Nah... its gonna' be Hillary, then Jeb Bush, then Roger Clinton (isnt he dead?), the George Prescott Bush, then Chelsea, then Jenna, then.....
...Jeez, get your seniorities in order girl... :)

Conservative Chic said...

LMAO - T-P That is a true jem. I think you may have too much time on your hands but if it provides posts like this than time be damned.

"Cackle meter" - you had me cracking up!

Excellent post, my friend, Excellent!!

Conservative Chic said...

Oh, I forgot, the pic was great!

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Hey Jen,... as long as I can keep the Jersey HomeGirl happy than all is good in the neighborhood! :)

Actually, I do these bits every once in a while,... its just my creative juices getting the best of me (and some down time hours at home?...) I may re-post one I did at another blog,... Obob told me it had one of the funniest damn lines he's ever read.... I admit it was very sophomoric and completely politically incorrect,... but funny nonetheless....

I hope the cackle,...er... laughter keeps ya' going through the weekend. Cheers!!

Wadical said...

I could picture the entire scenario in my head without effort! Very creative indeed! You should write a screen play. You got the talent.

BTW, that pic makes me itch in places I shouldn't scratch! She looks pretty hot, huh? Ha!

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Wadical,

You are much to kind, thanks. I really don't put much effort, honestly. It pretty much writes itself since the characters are all real and I have read so much about their idiosyncracies that I dont have to worry about "character development",...just the joke lines :) Ha!

It makes my day to know some of you enjoy my irreverent humor (or at least my attempts at making you laugh).... now If I could only get my Girlfriend to think its funny..... she's a Democrat.... (yikes!)

Mustang said...

Carville . . . he's a piece of work. I know he doesn't rely on my advice, but if I were in his shoes, I'd be thinking about what happened to Vince Foster.

Hey TP . . . send me an email mustang63 at gmail dot com . . . I have a more recent picture of Hillary for a future post.

Semper Fi

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Mustang!
Will do... thanks for the email.

I've not thought too much about the Vince Foster thing,... i think it may be one of those things that the Government or FBI knows a lot about,... yet has decided to let laying dogs sleep,... But I would have loved to have seen a polygraph on somebody for that...

Debbie said...

The cackle meter, I love it. She needed one this past week.

Nice post.

Robert (Conservative Commentary) said...

I miss Carville. Not for his ideology, but for his communication of it.

Great post, and I am wiping the tears from my eyes at this moment!

Paul Champagne said...

First-off, I think that Carville-Matlin would make a great political news show.

Secondly, I just heard on my police scanner that the FBI has surrounded your house. I hope the transcripts were worth it.

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Debbie,
Yeah... oddly enough, the one thing I thought was my "weakest" punch-line..., happens to be the most popular... go figure...!

Robert,
Tell me they are tears of joy, or laughter......... please!!!!

Paul,
I agree with you... I find that couple quite the oddball thing, but hey, what do I know about love...
And yeah.. the FBI cut me some slack. I off the hook :)

Obob said...

Alright, I've posted a comment and Big Brother must be on to my elusive code.
The chair is against the wall.
I need more cowbell.
John has a short mustache

TRUTH-PAIN said...

...meaning that you were able to get your original comment in?... or that you threw the chair against the wall becuase you could NOT get your fist rant to stick?... what of it , obob?...

Obob said...

I couldn't get my orginal comment to stick. Odd. "The chair is against the wall" is the code phrase used in the epic Red Dawn for the freedom fighters. I think the mustache line is in teh movie as well.
As for the cowbell, all songs needs more cowbell.
Basically, my mind is drifting into forgotten waters today.

TRUTH-PAIN said...

LOL! its all good dude! I would not be the Pain-Man if my noggin' would not drift into the places it does..... how else would I write postings this stupid..... :)

WomanHonorThyself said...

More Clintonistas?..say it aint sooooooooo!

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Woman,
thanks for the drop-in.....

I don't know...its still to early for me to be formulating electoral math for any prognostications...., but some of my in-the-know political buddies tell me its a slam dunk for her, at least as far as the Democratic nomination.

I still have my money on a Rudy / Huckabee ticket winning the whole thing against a Hillary / Richardson ticket by about 80 electoral votes (Pennsylvania and Jersey going the other way this time)... but what the hell do i know,... im just a dumb libertarian who has not voted for any of the big 2 since 1980....

benning said...

Hooo-weee!


Heheheheeee!

Wadical said...

"...more cowbell"

Ha, I crack up every time I hear that. One of the top 5 SNL skits of all time.

Terri said...

Great pic!!!!!! ahhh haaaa haaaa

xcS dhgdvdhfjhrnhn gbb g ttt
(that was my 2 yr old)

Gotta run.

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Benning,...
Thanks for reading the whole things LOL!!!

Wadical,
See, i hate that... I'm not a big SNL guy so I miss all the good jokes ......dangit!!

WomanHonorThyself said...

hey there TP!..thanks for addin me to your blogroll hun..let me know if u wish for me to return the kind favor..and do drop by again please~!