Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Lets just get rid of Religion. Period.

PLEASE NOTE: The following article is not meant for the Humor-impaired.

I was over at Betmo's blog reading a posting about John Dean's book on how the Religious right in America has hi-jacked the Republican party. It made me think..... Religion is sure taking it in the shorts, isn't it?. From their taking over a vast segment of the electorate, to the Muslim faith being a major influence in the world and its association to terrorism, ... the Catholic church in the news either by electing a new Pontiff, or molesting little boys,... it is just taking a black eye, this religious thing is....

How did it get to be this way? What happened to the innocence of "...one nation under God",... what happened to going to Sunday School and thinking it was an All American thing to do?, What happened to praying before a high school football game? when did that become an abomination to the American way of life?... I've read a ton of articles, a few books, ... Talked to my Dad who is an ordained Minister,.. And I am still pondering as to what happened (Did the Devil finally win?). How in the Hell did religion become a 4-letter word, a bastion of fear for unbelievers, something to march against?...

So, in my usual way of fixing all the world's problems with the stroke,... er a few clicks of the keyboard, I will entail to rid the Earth of all semblance of Religious symbols so the we can live happily every after. Ready?... Here goes:

As King of the World, I've decided (by fiat) that all things religious should be offensive to our sense of beauty and political correctness. I mean seriously, with all the removing of the Ten Commandment Tablets from government buildings, the dropping of prayer from Schools, .. The sudden secularism of our every day lives,.... I've finally bought into the idea. I a convert! (pardon the pun). But why stop at these little tokens of anti-religious action?... Oh hell no! Lets go for broke. First amendment be damned (oh that's right, ... damnation is a religious term,... sorry!) Effective immediately:

1) No more public displays of Crosses, Star of David (or Peter for that matter), Muslim crescent moons. Zippo. All churches, Mosques, Synagogues and Devil Worship halls have to be in non-offensive building with blacked-out windows, and sound-proof so that none of this offensive message hurts my earlobes.
2) No more starting the Congressional day with a prayer.... And while you're at it, fire the Damn Congressional Chaplain! (have we no respect for the separation of Church and State?)
3) The dollar bill?.. no more of the "In God we trust" crap. Nope. It changes to "In Wall Street we trust" of maybe "In Desperate Housewives we trust" or.....
4) No more Christmas. Sorry. Christmas is the celebration of Christ, and that is a no-no,.. so kill the Federal Holiday, kill the festivities, no more going broke for the winter buying stupid presents, no after-Christmas white sale,..... why should this be a National Holiday? (Church and State, remember?)
5) Speaking of Federal stuff, is the National Cathedral in Washington operated by anything remotely close to a government agency?.... cause of it is.... then it's toast. Lets turn that relic into low income lofts, and a shelter for the homeless and battered woman. That is certainly the Lords way, is it not?
6) No more using the airwaves for broadcasting of religious services. The airwaves are owned and operated by the FCC (as our representatives, of course), hence a no-no. Give the airtime to QVC, ESPN3, Bravo, Oxygen, HotSex.com, and of course NPR and PBS, ....those gatekeepers of real American values.
7) All Navy, Air Force, Marine and Army Chaplains are to be summarily dismissed. We cannot afford to have men of the cloth (or no-cloth as in the case of Pervert Priests...) sucking on the taxes of the American citizens. Screw 'em. We don't need no stinkin' chaplains to go to battle. Give em a pack of Lucky's, a Humvee (hold the body armor of course) and send them on their way. Besides, has God stopped any IED's from maiming 12,000 GI's?.... I didn't think so.
8) Lastly, Los Angeles, San Antonio, San Francisco, San Diego, San Juan (I know, its Puerto Rico but we subsidize their asses too),.... what do these cities have in common? Why, of course! they were all named after Catholic Saints. Oooops! How can we have let this happen?... sorry. Let the networks come up with a reality show that exposes how legislators come up with new names,... think of the ratings!! Los Angeles can be Los Lobos, San Antonio can be.... South Antonio? San Francisco?... oh I don't know,... call it the real "Sin City" (what did Vegas do to deserve that anyway?).. oh damn!, "Sin" denotes religion,........ shit! Think of something else.....

See how easy that was?.... Now we can all live in secular heaven (oooops!) forever, and ever,..... Amen~~ (dangit, habits are hard to break...)

P.S. Thanks to Obob and Robert for their comments and reminding me of the following:

9) No more cussing and using profanity using words like Goddamit or Holy Shit,... lets get that religious reference out of our venacular and replace them with more secular barbs like,... "Oprahdamit" or "mother-feces"..... much more cultural.

10) A few Holidays I missed, Thanksgiving (and kill the prayer before mowing down the turkey), St. Patrick's Day (Like the Irish need another reason to drink),.... Easter (again, no celebrating resurrections of any kind).... get rid of all of them. More days of production for the American worker. Besides, no self-respecting beer lover would be caught dead drinking green beer, right?




32 comments:

Obob said...

Would I get a fine for yelling God Dammit? Or how about creating a brownshirt brigade for the ACLU to enforce your highnesses dogma ... er doctrine? I think you'r on to something. Since you the new king, can we disolve the packers and return green bay to canada?

Robert said...

How funny....We also have to dissolve, and make the recognition of illegal - Easter(THIS is actually the most important Christian holiday), Thanksgiving (God didn't help us make it through the first Winter, it was those native Americans), Martin Luther King, Jr Day(He was a minister ya know) and St Patricks Day.

Then, and only then, will America be the way it should be...but I doubt it would remain so for another 232 years.

Robert said...

I forgot this in the first post, sorry. The link to my wife's myspace page.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=95422437&MyToken=4586842a-e61e-42c2-9f09-f0004e13a5aa

betmo said...

sorry tp- it was john dean's book- 'conservatives without concience' that had the goldwater quote in it. goldwater wasn't referring to all christians- just the pat robertson variety who have hijacked the reublican party. i encourage you to read the book because it is more of a 'defense' really of classical conservatism. you know- the kind where there used to be fiscal responsibility(allegedly), and so on and so forth. any emphasis on banning religion or doing away with it that was read into- was strictly my own emphasis. :)

Brooke said...

Dang, if you did this, the atheists and the ACLU wouldn't have anything to do with their time! HA!

Truth-Pain said...

Obob and Robert!
Funny, funny stuff... thank you!
I gave you credit by adding a few more items at the bottom of the original post.... who could those morself have escaped me?... i must be slippin'..... thanks guys!
(p.s. Robert, thanks for the linkup to your better half's site.)

Truth-Pain said...

Betmo:
Thanks for the correction,... i must have not read the heading correctly, my bad :(
I know you are not lumping all conservatives nor all christians.... but your posting just openned a wider satirical look on things for me,... and since I had nothing to do yesterday during lunch,... i got a little looney. Sometimes comic relief helps balance the serious nature of what we are trying to do.
Thanks for coming by.

Truth-Pain said...

Brooke:
You are correct. Many fine, respectful and high and mighty social activist organizations and watchdogs would simply have to say "mission accomplished" and close shop.... :-)

betmo said...

i agree- we do need a bit of humor once in awhile to break the monotony of endless fighting for the secular state you so aptly satirized :) but by the same token- if the left had no more to fight for- where does that leave the right? if there is nothing left to fight- what common enemy would unite?

Brooke said...

Hey, do you think the lefties could get an "ICLU" (Islamic Civil Liberties Union) started and work on secularizing the Muslim nations?

Think of all of the human rights good they could do... No more stonings, equal rights for women, ect, ect.

Truth-Pain said...

Brooke:
See? ... thats what I love about this medium,... every comment is fodder for yet another rant! Seriously thought,... that point is not as far-fetched as my original sarcastic self would make it to be...
Hmmmm, food for more thought :)

benning said...

Mother Feces! And what are all those skidrow bums gonna do come the end of December, huh? Where else will they get to wear a temporarily clean red suit and earn enough money for a few bottles of ripple, huh? Sheesh!

Oh, why get rid of Santa Claus? Why?

I need a beer.

Heheheeee!

Truth-Pain said...

Betmo:
That comment came with a rhyme at the end and everything..... :)
You trying to moonlight as a poet? and don't even know it?....

Benning:
I should have thought about that BEFORE i got on my rant...,
What ever happened to the word "hobo"... when did it become not cool to say it?... remember Red Skelton?... his Hobo act?..
I miss him......

Mustang said...

What?

No more religion?

No more Buddhists setting themselves on fire?

What a tyrant you've turned out to be, Sire.

Actually, I think that non-religious people can be really good human beings, and that those who loudly profess their beliefs can be real sons of bitches.

I believe two basic things: (1)Jesus will return to Earth, and (2) By the time he gets here, he's really going to be pissed off. Not only have human beings perverted religion (pick one), but I also don't think he's going to be too pleased that we've taken the garden of eden (in Space) and polluted the dickens out of it.

And who are we going to blame all of this on? Right. The King of the World.

Truth-Pain said...

:) Mustang:
I am guilty as charged and accept full responsibility for covering the earth with such maladies...

Maybe we all can convert to that Dianetics guy....whats his name?....

Laurie said...

Oh, my heart hurts! *clutching chest* I've had you on my blogroll for months!

Laurie said...

Oh, no, your commentary makes it all better. Say, when are we organizing a "Get-Bush-the-hell-out-of-the-Oval-Office" campaign?

Ellie said...

awesomee post!!! now I see i'm going to hell for many more reasons than I previously thought. :)

i've decided to start blogging again. i probably don't have the time, but I really do miss it.

KEvron said...

off-topic....

just thought you'd like to read what dildio was forced to delete from his blog.

he deleted it because it made him look stupid. which is normal for him, i suppose....

KEvron

Truth-Pain said...

Good to see you back Ellie :)

Publius said...

Silly TP, you forgot so many other things that must go away. Colleges like Catholic and Holy Cross will have to be renamed, Notre Dame will have to be renamed as well and will have to give back all of their national championships and Heisman Trophies. McDonalds will need a new logo because Golden Arches are too similar to Golden Idol. The character The Flying Nun will have to be renamed the Flying Lady with the Funny Hat. The Pledge of Allegiance will now say, “One Nation Under a lot of sky that is filled with smog and a depleting ozone layer caused by increases in carbon dioxide emissions.” Halloween is gone because it is the Day of the Dead celebrated before All Saints Day. When we need help, we can no longer pray to God, but instead hope that Oprah gives us a car, Dr. Phil finds us a relationship, Bill Gates fixes our computer, Dr. House heals out sick relative, Donald Trump makes sure we don’t get fired, and John Wayne rides in with the cavalry when we are in danger.

KEvron said...

sounds swell, publius. when do we begin?

KEvron

D.Daddio Al-Ozarka said...

"...those gatekeepers of real American values."

Great line!

You'll get an idea why I delete most of Kevron's comments (well over a dozen in the past two days) by visiting The Truth about Kevron

KEvron said...

lol!

dildio's notion of a good christian: "nine outta ten commandments ain't too bad!"

KEvron

D.Daddio Al-Ozarka said...

KEvrotius' idea of a good christian: dead.

KEvron said...

lol!

it's worth noting that my observation stems from citable evidence....

KEvron

D.Daddio Al-Ozarka said...

"...worth noting..." ROTFLMAO!!!

Kevronius...irrelevant AND a self-proclaimed pedophile!

Laurie said...

*anxiously awaiting your next post*

Renegade Eye said...

Don't forget the Pagans.

Anonymous said...

HI I AM CONNIE SUE LANKHEET FROM HOLLAND MICHIGAN. IAM ATHESIT AND DAM PROUD OF IT . I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH A STUPID GOD HE DOES NOT EXIST, AND ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD BELEIVE IT. I DONT CARE WHO KNOWS I AM AN ATHEIST.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You guys need to look up 'red herring' and 'slippery slope'. Some critical thinking wouldn't hurt. And while you're at it, look up how many Americans are athiest or agnostic...and we've got better arguments for our positions than you. Religion will end when tolerance and education overcome fear and ignorance. How silly of you to assume that anyone other than religious zealots have ever or would ever support the oppression you have described. Study your history. Reflect on how many horrible things have been done in the name of the myths you hold so dear.

generic viagra said...

a big mistake that the Catholic Church has made a long time, if not a matter of strategy, is involved in politics since the things of God are not the things of the world then we have to separate both