Monday, October 01, 2007

I finally figured out ...


The Shoe thing ...


Don't click away, you're really at the house of Pain. I know the topic is a little odd, but bear with me,... you may be the beneficiary of my discovery in 5 minutes, (or if a woman, something about yourself....)


My girlfriend is a shoe addict; seriously. She owns at least 8 or 9 dozen... minimum. If it were just an obsessive-compulsive thing like Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex in the City" then I would casually blow it off amongst the many things men don't get about woman. But this is not just something to blow off so flippantly.
You see, what I have discovered by watching her day-to-day ritual of footwear is that for a woman, the shoe can be a road map to how the gal is feeling that particular day or (if you're my Girlfriend), moment. If she is wearing the $300 Coach open-toe Sahara pumps,... I know she is feeling sexy, yet demure. The flats?... either tired, lazy or not too frisky. The wood-heeled pumps? (like the pic) she is ready to kick ass and take names at work. The black mid ankle strappy stilettos with the bronze brooch?... those ones say "Don't even think about sleeping tonight....". Yes, identifying her moods based on her choice of shoe has been a fun to do as of late...
For the longest time I did not get it. I mean, don't get me wrong,... a woman with a well-appointed pump gives her calves a flare that unmistakeably gives her a regal gait. Add to that a perfect one-foot-in-front-of-the-other walk and most men will be slurping back their drool. I dig it. Shoes are sexy, no matter if you have a foot fetish or not. A shoe can make or kill an outfit,.. not to mention a mood. But why the obsession with the sheer numbers?... See it has to do with variety, yes variety... as in the one thing most surveys say we need to keep us interested. Woman know we are creatures of habit, that if left to our devices and genetically-written code we would be filling every orifice that moves. So because of that, woman (since they can't just osmose into a kaleidoscope of different woman just to amuse us) keep us interested by changing skins...... ie. shoes, clothing, accessories..... But, you ask, this does not answer the question of the post, ... why the extraordinary passion for shoes?
Chick Psychology 101. Get the popcorn ready. A shoe transcends her "bad days". You just can't go and buy a pair of jeans or a dress when you are depressed. Woman change,... woman are cursed and blessed with the purloined hormonal ebb and tide.... Some days they feel thin..., some days,... they do not.... , so clothes don't cut it when it comes to the mental panacea. Clothes don't kneel to their moody whims like a shoe can. See, the foot may grow or decrease a few microns from day to day,... but not enough to not permit her to wear any damn one she pleases. Even on her "bad" days, .... or terrible "hair" days,... the perfect shoe from the closet can save the moment. The right shoe can lift her from the doldrums of split ends and water retention to instantly feeling as if there is a red-carpet from the exit of her home into the 2002 Toyota Corolla. The shoe, is -for all intents and purposes- ... magic. That's not to say that there are woman that simply love them for the fashion statement. I am sure there are many reasons as to why they punish themselves by shoe-horning themselves into leather-based triangles of torture.... Hey, I said you were going to learn something, I did not guarantee if would make any damn sense whatsoever.
In a way, I am a lucky man. My woman does not ever take her bad days out on me. Nope. A bad day at the office if followed by a trip to the friendly pedicurist, where for 30 bucks or so they make her perfect size-7 feet look the part for an Alberto Vargas pin-up poster. Another $400 for a pair of Jimmy Cho's and she is ready to take on the planet,... or the next primary debates,...whichever is most daunting...
..... I have got to do this more often, ..... who needs politics?....

18 comments:

Robert said...

Exactly why I have to post about football and stuff occasionally...getting away from politics and into life.

This post may explain why I can't get into my relatively large walk in closet each day because of the pile of shoes in my way. I might would have better luck waltzing through a minefield unscathed than make it to my ties without stepping on heels and buckles and pointed toes. On many dark mornings I must use a flashlight to illuminate my path.

Interesting position, and I will have to apply some personal research. You may have cracked the code that has kept men stymied for thousands of years....

Always On Watch said...

Shoes as a barometer for a woman's mood? Well, maybe.

I choose shoes to go with the outfit I'm wearing (I don't have very many pairs of shoes, however), and the outfit I pick to wear on any given day probably reflects my mood, or perhaps how far behind I am with the laundry.

Jennifer (Conservative Chic) said...

OMGosh, This was thoroughly entertaining and very informative. And the crazy part of this is, that you are right. If I'm just kinda slummin, it's definitely sneakers. Going out dancing I bring both. Heels for the night but flats for when the dancing starts. I truly think you are on to something. Maybe I'll have to ask hubby and see what he thinks. Great post!

Brooke said...

I have a practicality thing about shoes.

Hot weather: Birkenstock sandals.

Tennis shoes for inclement days, or cool ones, and fuzzy-insided clogs for dry winter days. Then there are the boots for work/winter.

I do have one pair of "splurge shoes..." A red and gold pair of leather bowling Ecco shoes. I wear those when I'm in a mood for something different.

Brooke said...

Oh, I fixed my links so you're back up.

I think this is the third time I've "fixed" it. :S

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Robert,
It does feel good to rant about something else, doesn't it?... I laughed when you mentioned the darkened closet,... man can I tell you some stories about that...


AOW,
The laundry reason is the one I use the most,... just last night I did 7 loads,... I and live alone for crying out loud....

Jen 675309 (sorry, I had to do that!)
Glad you were informed AND entertained at the same time,... be careful not to say that too loud as I may get too full of myself and charge an admission fee..... :)

Brooke!
I never figured you for a Birckenstock Gal,... but there I go making assumptions that anybody wearing those is to the left of Che Guevara.... :)
Thanks for putting me on your list of honor, I am very appreciative of your blog and it is certainly one of the places I go frequently for both serious and light-hearted fun... Cheers!

Robert said...

I took a shot at you about this post at the Conservative Chic's place, but I know you will take it in fun as it was intended. I thought it was humorous...

Jennifer (Conservative Chic) said...

Yeah, but you watch Robert, I bet Thomas takes it seriously! He's a bit out there.

Obob said...

alright TP, my comments are not cutting it. For some reason they aren't sticking

Robert said...

He probably will, after all the shot wasn't a real one but he won't see that.

Maybe my humor doesn't translate well into digital language....

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Robert,
The shot was hella' funny! I laughed my ass off,... so did the Girlfriend,... :)

Obob,
Are you having issues commentng due to something on my end?...

Obob said...

you and couple others. I find it as irritating as the Madden's love affair with Bret Farvara.
I had a good one, but they never have the same flavor when I have to retype them. The OCD in me comes out now and then

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Obob,
What I do is always write my comments or posts in word, then save it, and paste it to wherever its going. I learned that lesson from one time that Blogger was going Ape-shit on me and i lost 3 hours worth of rants... I was pissed!!!

Debbie said...

Nice post. I don't have as many pairs of shoes as your girlfriend, but .... I have enough. Shoes are important. They must match the outfit, the mood, must be unique, must be comfortable, must make me look good.

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Debbie,
I agree,... The one thing I failed to write about is that I myself am particular about them. I never leave the house unless they are perfectly polished and scuff-free. I have about, oh.... 15 pairs of dress shoes, 7 pair of casuals and about 8 pair of sneaker/running shoes,... which according to my GF is the most she has ever seen a man own.....
... It must the metro-sexual side of Truth-Pain comin' out... (Ha!)

Robert (Conservative Commentary) said...

I have 2 pair of wingtips, brown and black. I have a pair of black patent leather, and a brown pair of loafers. I have one pair of topsiders, and a paid of Bass weejuns. 2 pair of tennis shoes, one for wear and the other for yardwork.

Oops, I also have several pair of combat boots, but I only need those when camping or hiking.

TRUTH-PAIN said...

Robert,
Boots!! yes boots!! I knew I was missing something from my footwear arsenal,... I'm going shopping today for some Cowboy boots and some circa-1945 (North Africa Corp) combat boots,... the ones with the beige cloth on top... :) thanks for the reminder...

RaeJane said...

$400 for a paid of shoes is ridiculous.

I have a well over a hundred pairs of shoes.
I pack away the summer shoes and bring out the winter shoes... It's like Christmas every season.
I buy a lot of shoes... but I've never spent more than $100 bucks on a pair...
I'll spend 100 on shoes and donate the other 300.