Friday, February 15, 2008

LIBERAL REARING 101 - (Part of my fair and balanced forum)

After a posting like my last one (and no reported suicides), I NEED levity going into President's Day weekend.

(Editor's note: Are you humor impaired, satire-phobic or sarcasm-challenged?... just skip this and have a jolly good day)

A few months ago, I was having lunch and discussing the merits of good parenting with a former co-worker; he of serious liberal / progressive dispositions. After much bellowing as to how his kids "better not ever THINK of voting Republican as long they are under my roof" (or words to that effect), I went back to my corner office with a view of nearby U.S. Highway 101, and a jovial yet evil smile formed in my otherwise handsome facade.
(soft music intro in the background)....

I can imagine one of the conversations between said Father and his 14-year old Son, to go something like this:
Son: "Dad, why are you a liberal?"
Dad: "Why?.... It's in my blood Son! and in your blood,... and the blood of any self-respecting and enlightened American to be of left-wing persuasion. I am a liberal because of the legacy of FDR and because I believe the State has a duty and responsibility to care for the needs of its citizens, no matter how trivial or large. Everything,... schooling, health, medicine,.. the whole Magilla. We get taxed up the butt, so Government should care for our butts after taxing us as well. To think any other way is to be a selfish capitalist who only believes in his own good, and not in the good of the collective..."
Son: "So.... is that the best system we have? or is that that best system YOU chose to vote for?"
Dad: "It's not a "system" Sparky! its a way of life (grinnin' ear to ear). To live a liberal life it to care for those less fortunate than you, to open your arms to the weak, sick and hungry, to give freely so that those more needy than you can have a better Day. To be a liberal is to take from those who have, and give it to those who don't. A kinder, gentler way of socialism..." (futher smug grinnin')
Son: "Ok,...I guess I don't know why you rolled up the car window so fast when that homeless guy came up to us at the stop light..... but anyways, is being a liberal a better choice then?"
Dad: (clearing the throat... ) Well, about the homeless guy,... I did not want to endanger you or your Mom, Son. You never know who is passing as oppressed nowadays,... besides, the guy behind me was rolling down HIS window so I knew that Bum, er I mean homeless soul was getting something.... (laughs uncomfortably) ....... but let me explain this to ya'; Choice is the pre-eminent word in our beliefs. We are the better choice of culture, we are pro-choice for keeping a woman's right to choose, we are a better choice to give the poor and dis-enfranchised a better choice for gettin' back on their feet, ... yes Son, its about choices"
Son: " So... , if I chose to say vote Green, or libertarian, .... or Republican, especially after hearing your pimpin' of the liberal way, you would say that would be ok, since it was my choice, right Dad?,... and speaking of choices, does the unborn fetus get a choice to live or die in the opinion of Roe V Wade or is this a selective type of choice?"....
Dad: (chuckles in a condescending way...) "well, lets not get ahead of ourselves kiddo, you've a long way to go before you are of age to vote and intelligent enough to make such a choice on voting, for that matter. As to Roe V. Wade, well that is a very complicated issue there...., the fetus is just a bunch of molecules and cells held together in the amniotic sack,... it is not a "person", its a, er,... a soon-to-be-human, you know?, and as such is not protected by the laws of the land.., and who taught you about abortions anyway......?"
Son: "But Dad, if choice is so important, why did you get upset a few years ago when National Public Radio was considering adding conservative-based programming?... after all, most of their programs are pretty liberal, no?"...
Dad: (shift uncomfortably in the lazy-boy...) "That was a blatant attempt by that pin-headed G.O.P.-installed FCC Commissioner to interfere with an independent publicly-financed institution. Public Radio is fine the way it is, why the hell should they be another FoxNews conglomerate or Clear Channel dangit! NPR is as fair and balanced a media as we have in this County! "...
Son: "Ok, what about your Union dues Dad? I don't see those going to support anybody but liberal candidates... what if I were in a Union and wanted the CHOICE to give my dues to somebody else. Can't I have a say in that?"
Dad: "Thats different Son, (shifting to the left butt-cheek) You have to trust that ol' Hoffa Jr. knows what is best for us. God knows that man has seen his share of travails and hardships. He is fighting for you, for me, for our American Manufacturing, he is......."
Son: "... but Dad, you just bought a Korean made Toyota Scion..."
Dad: "Again, a choice Son. I though saving the planet and the environment by getting a better fuel-efficient car was the price to pay for my beliefs. Besides, its built in Ohio, and we need to keep those Buckeye Union members employed, don't we Sparky?"
Son: "Hmmm well the Chevy Aveo has better mileage than your Toyota, its built here and most of its parts are US-made,...but what about Education, Pops?... what if say you decided that the Teacher's Union here in Coulterhateville was doing a crappy job at hiring the best teachers at our district? and that the school could not fire the worst ones, you now?, -like most companies can fire someone who does not produce the expected results would?-,... what if say, Charter schools, home-schooling and vouchers were presented as choices to all Americans so WE could decide what is best for our needs,... would that not be good?"
Dad: (developing a zit at the tip of the nose...) "Look Boy, there is NOTHING wrong with Teacher's Unions; nothing at all! They can handle their own, believe me. The ONLY way to have a one-America, a consistent education for all kids -legal AND undocumented-, a better way to prepare the youths for the challenges of a global economy is for all of us to pool our resources under one banner and make the U.S. Education system the best in the planet; and that is something that without Unions we could never do. Do you honestly believe we can leave the choice of education to un-educated parents? to Christians and other right-wing Bible thumpers?, to care-takers of special-need kids?, ... to Republicans? God forbid, to Libertarians?......, C'mon Son, who is putting all these moon-baty ideas in your head?, Have you been listening to Glen Beck again?..."
Son: "No one Dad,..... (thinking...),... well, to be honest, I think I'm getting them from you, Pops...."
Dad: (bouncing from the lazy-boy and kneeling next to Sparky) "From me? (horror look on face), how did that happen? I thought you were my little liberal-in-training?... what did I do wrong?..."
Son: ... "Dad, nothing... you did nothing wrong. But did you not tell me to think for myself? I though you said I should never follow the herd and make my own way in life no matter what I was up against!.... isn't choice universal Dad? Why should freedom of choice be for abortions but not for education?, or health coverage?, or even Government policy? I think that by listening to both sides of any issue gives me the best opportunity for making the best choices for me, don't you think? Did you not say critical thinking is..... well, critical?"
Dad: "Of course I do,... well uh, to a certain extent, as long as it doesn't interfere with the code of Liberalism, Son. But as a Father I have a moral duty to guide you to that which best represents what I view in life as right, as righteous, as sensible for all,... but especially for you, for you!... , don't you see that the needs of the many sometimes outweighs the needs of the few?.... or the one?"
Son: "Dad, I heard that line from Spock in Star Trek V or something, but anyways,... look, I'm sorry you are upset. I will try to get a better understanding of your perspective. I know you love me and all you want to do is guide me to the right path. Don't think I see your thoughts as dichotomous, .... I know there isn't a hypocritical bone in your body........ I love you Dad! (beaming with pride)...
Dad: "Thanks son, I love you too (misty eyed), .... and I appreciate the vote of confidence in me. Dichotomous,... wow!, nice use of the word, Kiddo! where'd you pick that up?"
Son: (sheepishly) "er.... the Rush Limbaugh Newsletter........"
(fade to black,... as Dad twitches on the hardwood floor.....)


Robert (Conservative Commentary) said...

Go back to your cave and work on next month's efforts because you are on a roll....this is absolutely hilarious!

And the punch line had me tearing up...

TRUTH-PAIN said...

...ah... to make a former Marine tear up.... today has been a good day :)

Anonymous said...

Very funny! It truly had me laughing out loud! My husband is sitting next to me and looking at me like I am crazy. Have a terrific weekend. Oh and forget Robert's post, stay out of the cave for a while, we miss ya! :-)

Shhhh, don't tell him I said that.......LOL

TRUTH-PAIN said...

My cave is pretty cushy this time of year.... why do you think I pull the Houdini's so often?.... :)

Renegade Eye said...

People do disown children for political reasons.

Wadical said...

Yeah, I'd say I like it better when you're out of the cave. But having spent a great deal of time lately myself, I cannot exactly yank yer chain too much.

Your humor could not possibly be the product of liberal upbringing.

"Coulterhateville"! Haaahahaha! That's good stuff, man....good stuff!

TRUTH-PAIN said...


Damn straight they do! I remember in 1980 when I voted for Reagan my dad was not amused,... then when I told my friends I was turning libertarian I really got the cold shoulder... its amazing how politics can transcend love :)

Nice seeing you again Ren!

TRUTH-PAIN said...


I swear that some of the stuff I think are the corniest and not close to being funny, are the things people comment on the most....

It was a toss-up between Coulterhateville and Malkinsahagville..... Coulter won :)

Debbie said...

That's great, especially the clincher "the Rush Limbaugh letter", ha.

What an uncomfortable conversation for THAT dad.

" ... the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one" That was Spock and the situation was when the ship was about to explode and KILL everyone. A unique situation indeed.

Nice article.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

Obob said...

I really don't care where my kids vote, as long as they think it through and don't date a Packer fan

TRUTH-PAIN said...


I'm a big Star Trek geek... I tend to sprinkle my postings with Spock-isms whenever possible :)


I'm with ya! I have to admit that in lieu of my NY Jets sucking, having the Giants take it all was almost as nice. Having the Pats choke on a bowling ball was better than sex....

benning said...

Excellent dialogu! Loved it! I can see Dad frothing at the mouth and writhing on the floor. LOL

Well done!

Obob said...

speaking of Star Trek, my new and feeble attempt at ebing "down" with my students is a homage to Spock. I thump my chest with my right hand and flash that "live long and prosper" hand jesture with the back of my hand and follow it with the quote
I am so friggin' hip

Brooke said...

You are too funny, TP!

TRUTH-PAIN said...

I WAS going to put foam in his mouth believe it or not,... but I did not want the imagery to take away from the campy-ness of the posting.

I've said it again and again, Spock is the pre-eminent philosopher in my life.

Glad to add a laugh or two to your day,.. Heaven knows I've gotten my share at your digs :)

American said...

Sidesplitting stuff TP, keep it up, at your own pace of course…

Paul Champagne said...

Very uplifting ... but not to rain on your parade or anything ... but the Chevy Aveo is built in Korea. It is actually a Daewoo. GM bought that company after it went bankrupt.

It is sooo hard to figure out what is made in America these days, and if I didn't work at a dealership, I wouldn't have known either.